I am hoping that the clicking of my keyboard won’t draw any attention, and that I will have this stolen moment and toddle off to bed afterward and no one will be the wiser. For the first time in a few months, I am alone during this awake time before bed and the lights are out and the kids are asleep or locked away and doing homework and I get to write.
My head has been positively swimming and brimming with ideas and while I have the means and motive to share them, I lack the time…and focus. Plus, I am at one of those cross road times in life and trying to figure out so much of who I am and what I should be doing.
So I go back to the foundation…Seek Him First. Okay, I haven’t done the best of that lately, but I am working on it. It’s my standard even if my execution is lacking…my goal, my prize. We have talks, all day, the Lord and I. While I am schooling and cleaning and mothering.
Then there is the wife and mommy part. Honestly, the mommy part of me has taken over, but we make time for date nights or the wifey part would be completely squashed. Between a hubby working two jobs and the demands of the family, at the end of the day we are lucky to have a moment to compare calendars and pass each other a glance. A sleepy glance…a sleepy tiger glance.
Then there is the friend part of me. Always worried that I am not being a good enough friend to this one or that. Watching everyone lead such exciting lives. Watching people get to do new things and learn new things and be new things… and I feel like the little girl on the playground who didn’t make it to the special club meeting…the one where the secret handshake and the secret code talk and inside jokes all happened and I watch everyone talking and seeming so happy and complete and I feel so left behind and left out. And yet, when I try to keep up with all that my friends get to do and see and be, I miss things and I spread myself too thin and I wonder…is this really what I am supposed to be doing? Is it even what I want to do?
And so I try to nurture what I can when I can. I love the moments when I get the invite and hate those same moments when I have to say no…it’s just not my time. Not yet.
This is the season of diapers and broken jars and sticky finger prints on the windows. The season of endless math fact memorization and arguments over what the really important things are and band-aids on phantom booboos. The season of sleepless nights nestled with tiny hands reaching to make sure you are there. The season of snot on a clean pair of jeans…you know, the GOOD pair… and staying up watching tv and trying to eat right. The season of pouring into the lives of those that are near and those that I love and putting off the things I want right now and doing what needs doing.
Because all too soon this season will be over and the little ones that reach for me will be pushing me away as they spread their wings and take those first failed flights and then one day the fly off strong and free and beautiful and my heart will ache to bring them back to my nest and nestle them again in the middle of the night and chase away the shadows and remind them they are loved…so loved.
And I love this time. I wouldn’t trade it and I am going to live out every second of it like it is the last one I will ever get. But that means that some things will have to wait. And I will miss the secret handshakes. And I will cheer on my friends accomplishments and be content with being their cheerleader…everyone needs a cheerleader…and some day I will be able to love someone through their season and help them know it’s not something to get through, but something to soak in.
Lovies…no one noticed I was up!
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